I have made my invisible disease into a silent one as well by not talking about it. We did not talk of such things growing up. I learned at a very young age that to be sick was a character flaw and nothing more than a ploy to seek attention. Even though I knew nothing of astrology at that age, my innate Leo nature felt the insinuation & understood that drawing attention to oneself is bad. This is a trap for a Leo. You see if a Leo is being true to their nature they are likely to draw attention. It is a little expecting fire not to be hot to think otherwise. This Leo happened to be of fragile health so that is what was drawing the attention.
How are you is a complicated question. So, yes, I guess I did just say “it’s complicated” about my relationship to my health.
I’ve been fully functioning all of my life, nothing has ever knocked me down for long. The habit of getting back up again became too inherent; I think I even started picking myself up before I hit the ground. Eventually it was unconscious and I could no longer accept myself as anything other than strong and capable. As I moved from challenge to challenge, from diagnosis to diagnosis, from medication to medication, from doctor to doctor; I told them less and less about what was really happening inside of my body and mind. I learned to be anything but honest with the only people in the position to potentially help me. That is a hard habit to break and is an ongoing process. I didn’t see it as dishonest or hiding things, I was simply doing what I’d learned was acceptable behavior.
What is interesting to me is that here I sit just realizing that the one obstacle to being approved for SSI could very well be a direct result of those actions. You see I have been freelance or self-employed most of my adult life. I have had jobs in many different fields but for 20 or more years the focus was on several aspects of the entertainment industry. I filled in with “regular jobs” here and there when needed but nothing really lasted much longer than a year. I was giving up that entertainment career right when the psoriatic arthritis diagnosis came in and I have self-managed my steady decline of work ever since. No doctor has ever told me to stop working. Then again I’ve never told a doctor that sitting in the chair at a desk or table has begun to hurt more and more over the years, that shuffling cards hurts, writing hurts, typing hurts, sitting in on place for too long hurts, standing hurts…
How would they have ever known to tell me to stop?
Back to “How am I?”
I am okay. That is usually my answer. I’ve added, hanging in there, working towards good, and other variants over the years in an effort to be more honest in those interactions without overwhelming the person with the reality of it.
This image I came across the other day is a tad more aggressive with the ‘don’t judge me’ tone than I feel at the moment but it speaks to what I am writing about.
Then there is the “chicken or egg” question regarding “high tolerance for pain or chronic pain”. When asked directly if I am hurting my answers cannot be trusted or at least they could not have been for years. This is an ongoing work I am involved with on my Journey of Self. I am learning to know, listen and understand my body better through meditation, yoga, pranayama, self-reflection, ritual and other practices. What I am learning is that I hurt, I am not okay and sometimes I am sad or angry about that. I haven’t felt good for a very, very long time. Life isn’t lived in extremes so I am and have also been happy, feeling good, alive & invigorated many times over the years and even now; just to mention a few! It about where they meet. How they meet. Balance. The Middle Pillar. The Middle Way. The Shushumna.
One other thing about being silent and invisible is that people don’t know that you need help or how to help even if they do. Being actively involved in a journey of self-transformation most of my adult life I have sought out places, people and organizations that share a drive for truth and understanding. I have always sought to have less deep relationships rather than more superficial ones. I am also a very social person who has moved around often and loves to travel. I am therefore fortunate enough to know many, many people the world over who I feel a deep connection with. I count my blessings daily and my heart is full and forever refilling. It gets harder and harder to have time to speak with each one often and I am thankful for the technology that makes it so much easier to witness, stay in touch and be involved in the lives of those I love.
Starting to tell my story I realize that I am opening that circle even more for as my heart grows my circle grows and vice versa. I will be less silent and about all aspects of my life, joys and sorrows. I will seek balance in how much or how little I share and listen to my inner knowing, my angel, my Self.
Asking for help has never been easy for me and these past few years have taught me that it is ok to accept assistance from those that are offering. It is even alright to ask sometimes. To that end I have agreed to allow a dear friend of mine to start a fund for those interested in contributing. The fund is designed to help me recover lost wages and cover the expenses involved in caring for my health during an intensive period of transformation. I am undergoing many tests, visiting many professionals, changing more lifestyle habits, trying different treatments allopathic and homeopathic both, at least through the end of the year. At which point it will be easier to see my way forward in life and work.
If it is your will please share my story and Go Fund Me Campaign, donate and/or share this blog.
I have also created an Amazon wish list for items that will improve my health in some way, everything from supplements to kitchen accessories. Some of these things will be purchased with funds raised and I will keep the list up to date.
Love & Light
Stay tuned for more of my story to come, including:
- Current testing and specialists visits with allopathic medicine (mainstream medical practices)
- “Alternative” visits & treatments
- Dietary & Lifestyles changes
- Daily meditation, yogic and self-care practices
- More health history
- My work history and challenges while I investigate filing for SSI
- My studies, practices & ritual work both Eastern & Western
- More about my work with the gong and some classes & workshops I will be presenting in various cites soon