With all of the #metoo posts going around I’ve been inspired to write about something that happened to me recently. I struggle with talking about it because oddly enough I don’t want anyone to feel bad about it. Which I suppose is actually an indication of how pervasive the problem is honestly.
While I was at a celebration recently I had an encounter with a tipsy grey haired guy that has probably happened to me hundreds of times in my life easily.
Drunky sidles up to me, “hey I remember you, you lit my candle a few minutes ago” (I had literally lit a candle for the table he was sitting at)
Then he goes in for a hug, which of course I don’t stop because it honesty didn’t fucking occur to me that I could. As he’s pulling away Drunky says, “nice tits”. My fiancé is standing right next to me and as he realizes this he goes on to talk about how nice and firm they are to hug and how lucky Kevin is. He’s obviously a tad embarrassed by the fact that Kevin heard but still standing by his actions and right to comment on my tits! We laugh it off as usual and go on with our evening. Except this time it’s not really going away. Inside I’m starting to realize that that was inappropriate. I’m starting to feel. See I think I stopped “feeling anything” when that sort of thing happened years ago.
Listen to that for a minute. I am 49 years old and it wasn’t my immediate reaction to see the inappropriateness of it! And I stopped FEELING anything when these sort of things happened because what was the point!
Later on that day I found myself recounting the story to the hosts and though there was laughter about it to some extent, you could feel the uncomfortableness growing amongst us as we talked about it. See the people I was with were mostly younger than me and thankfully they seem to understand better that that is wrong.
Now I’m starting to feel bad for my fiancé because I can see how uncomfortable he is because this has happened to us so many times and neither one of us thought to tell the guy he was being inappropriate.
By the next morning a few of us were sitting around chatting and it came up again. This time blissfully by a gentleman maybe my age or a tad older (I’m really bad a guessing ages) who stared with something along the lines of “I wish I had said something” and with that tiny bit of support I found myself launching into a several minute diatribe where I talked about how often it had happened in my younger years so that I simply learned how to laugh it off. How the few times when I was younger that I did say things and I was given the usual excuses for THEIR behaviors while mine were being CONDEMNED.
“Don’t be so stuck up”
“He’s just being friendly “
“Man, that Sondra is a bitch”
Remember I should be flattered right?
The truth is when I was younger I had such bad self esteem that I think it did make my feel good.
It’s got me thinking about a lot of situations throughout my life because I haven’t always just let it happen. When I was in my teens & early twenties I had a lot of male friends and there were a handful of times that I stood up for myself with the backing of my guy friends. Of course back then I was just “one of the guys”. I was the girl guys liked to hang out with because as they said “I was different than other girls”. Which somehow made me better, right? The price I paid for that was that I’d suppressed my feminine side to be accepted and safe.
The thing is I was different because of all of the early experiences, I started changing. Changing in order to fit safely into the world of men.
But out in the world without the backing of a handful of guys my experiences changed and I quickly learned that I could be desirable and pretty only if I seemed weak and accepting. And I wanted to be thought of as desirable and pretty and relationship material and not just one of the guys.
So I slowly over the years hid my strength behind sexuality…
I’m not honestly even sure what the point of his blog is. I haven’t written in a really long time and today I was inspired to.
Thanks for listening